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Literature Text
like hummingbirds that don't know where to go,
that can't quite find the nectar
and even if they do, it'll be out of
reach
like drops of rain that find their target drenched,
holding careful palms aloft
to catch the tears, I mean the
water
like half-smoked cigarettes tossed from the car,
from the driver's seat window
down, down, down to the ground, still
burning
that can't quite find the nectar
and even if they do, it'll be out of
reach
like drops of rain that find their target drenched,
holding careful palms aloft
to catch the tears, I mean the
water
like half-smoked cigarettes tossed from the car,
from the driver's seat window
down, down, down to the ground, still
burning
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Comments15
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I really do like the imagery and technique you use, all in all the verse is very nicely structured. The themes, to me at least, would work better if you switched the middle and last stanzas. The thematic progression seems to go " hanging in the air- that which is out of reach, that which was never in reach, that which we thrust out of grasp"
The hummingbird and cigararrette was a little obvious, but the water stanza mixes in sorrow with a sort of inability to be grasped. The fact that the rain, or tears, falling on spots already drenched means that the goal of the those specific drops was never achievable at that point in time.
If you switched the water stanza with the burning one, it'd go "hanging in the air- that which is out of reach, that which we thrust out of grasp, that which we never had in the first place"
I think throwing that more abstract concept in the end would finish it better like that :3
Don't get me wrong, I really liked this verse. I like thinking about things like that xD
Another possible suggestion : "and even if they do, it'll be out of reach" didn't quite capture the smoothness the rest of the verse had. The syllable count felt a little off in comparison, though I could still feel for the theme you presented there :3
These are just a few suggestions, I don't write poetry as much as I used to but this poem really got me thinking like I used to when I wrote, so I'm glad I got to read this 